Just Cause Chocolate Cake Is Really Good, Doesn’t Mean Eating The Whole Cake Makes It Better

I just have to first say that due to my inconsistant, uninspiring, unentertaining blogginess, that you all have probably jumped ship on me. I totally and completely understand. If you are still sticking with me even though you are feeling like your under Chinese water torture and that’s the only reason you stay…because you can’t leave, I so appreciate you. I’m not just saying all this to make you feel quilty to comment or anything like that. I know the blog has pretty much sat stale and stagnant for months. I guess the blog is reflecting how I’ve been feeling lately. I can’t completely blame the weather either.

On that note, I shall now lay down on the couch and spill to you kind therapist reader my woes and moans.

I try daily, to immerse myself in things I like to do, that doesn’t all pertain to blogging and social networking, like working on my online studies, crafting one thing or the other, doing stuff with the kids. I just feel like I’m putting on a fasad, that if I do things to make me happy I’ll feel better. I think it’s just helping to regress the blah more than actually cure it…if that makes sense.
I’m going to admit right now, that I’ve been a bit on the depressed side since after baby #1 was born ten years ago and 4 months later we moved far away from friends and family. I would think that kind of thing would do that to a new mom. I never really ever got “better”. Sure I’d go through months of the depression pushed down far enough to not bother me too bad and only rear it’s ugly head now and again but I’ve never really been better. Then there’s the whole anxiety thing which is a post on it’s own. I know my therapy time is not cheap and you have other patients to endure their stories of woe.

The hubs and I both always kind of thought that I would probably be so much happier if we were back in OK where everybody is at. It was always the big elephant in the room for years and years regarding my depression. I’d always say no, no, that’s not it. I wasn’t about for us to just give up everything, and move back just on my account. I guess I knew I would probably feel really guilty if we did something crazy like that just for me. Fast forward to now and here we are exactly where and what I should want, minus any kind of guilt that I should feel I am the reason for us being here. If only it were that easy. I’m by no means “better” but I wouldn’t say it’s worse…well I have my really dark days for sure.
I’m sure it all again relates to the whole job thing (rolls eyes…so sick of this job thing) but then again we really are OK. We have been so stinkin blessed during this whole escapade that how could I not be happier or atleast more OK? Money really is not a major issue. It’s very very frustrating. I know at this point that it’s WAY more than just piling fluffy clouds of sunny happiness on top of me over and over. I mean just because chocolate cake is really good, doesn’t mean you eat the whole cake thinking it’s going to be even better, it just doesn’t happen that way.

My hope for now is one of us finding a job of some kind (any kind) that has benefits hint hint health benefits, that would really encourage me to take the next best step to getting better whether it be meds or whatever. I’ve been floating down denial for to long now and it’s time for me to get to shore.

I’m just gonna publish now…I’m to drained to edit. Sorry!


6 thoughts on “Just Cause Chocolate Cake Is Really Good, Doesn’t Mean Eating The Whole Cake Makes It Better

  1. There is no shame in having depression. I have had depression since my first miscarriage and anxiety most of my life. I have tried therapy and meds. For me a combo of two meds works great for me. Try talking to your doctor if you can. My first step to feeling “better” was being honest with my doctor.

  2. I think I get season depression. I don’t know – sometimes I look at other people who are depressed and think “I don’t have it nearly that bad, I just get sad.” But I know it does run in the family a bit. I know it isn’t dangerous that I mostly just get really boring and snippy, but you know it’s there and I’d rather be happy.

    Life is tough and this economy is not helping matters any. I hope you guys find a job and benefits soon so you can see a doctor and get any help you may need – whatever works, right? I would definitely love to see you happier because you surely deserve it!!

  3. Hey I can totally relate. Jamie works in radio and within the first three years of our marriage lost his job twice due to ratings (I was pretty ignorant of the radio game in the beginning and was completely and totally devastated each time) one of those times being 1) with a baby on the way 2) oh and the other……we were living in Alaska. Alaska. Who can afford to live in Alaska? We had to sell anything that wouldn’t fit into our two cars and head down the Al-Can (which is a beautiful drive might I add…but I digress) with no jobs, no idea what we were going to do. I remember pulling over to the side of the road so Jamie could do a phone interview. The whole selling everything bit was humiliating (you know how yard sale people are) and just sad.
    He ended up getting a job in Texas, but it took me a good three years to finally come out of the depression over everything. I had never really felt secure, so I was always anxious, trying to anticipate the next let down. I decided to get into to teaching since it started to look like this was going to be okay- and little by little it was. I think what did it for me was just the thought of “sha nananana live for today and don’t worry about tomorrow hey-hey” okay, kinda cheesy, but that kinda sums it up for me. I know I can’t control anything (let alone my own actual circle of influence most of the time) so I’m not going to worry anymore. I hate to give advice, I really do, but I totally feel ya here. Take one day at a time and know that you deserve good things and they’ll be headed your way.
    Sending good juju,

  4. Hang in there. I am still reading…and enjoying! I don’t comment as often as I should. I am a bad commenter. I will try to do better. Just know that you are not alone!

  5. Goodness girl! You know how they tell you that everything happens for a reason and that sometimes you influence people when you don’t even realize it?! Well, having you as a consistently strong friend all these years helped me so much with my post partum depression (especially with Caden). How could I have done it without you?! I realize your time should be up by now and you’ve definitely paid your dues to witness to someone like me, but maybe, just maybe you can see how much you have helped people like me through all of this?! Hang in there. Maybe if your friends, like me, will come to visit you, you will see the benefit of living in OK! I’ll try to make better effort!

    Okay, point number 2: (obviously I’m biased)

    go to usajobs.gov and apply for anything and everything that you might qualify for! It’s a very frustrating process, I won’t lie, but once you’re in you get great benefits and great holidays off, and usually pretty good pay. The best part is after one year in government they will pay you to go to school and let you off to go to school. Just a thought…

  6. Depression does seem to be a shameful secret, doesn’t it? I swear, I almost got fired from my last job because people found out I was fighting it…anywho, you are not alone. I’ve been on meds for years and years (on and off), because without them, I get to the point where I cannot get out of bed in the morning.

    Talking about it helps. Talking about it with a therapist helps more. Good luck.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s