I just have to first say that due to my inconsistant, uninspiring, unentertaining blogginess, that you all have probably jumped ship on me. I totally and completely understand. If you are still sticking with me even though you are feeling like your under Chinese water torture and that’s the only reason you stay…because you can’t leave, I so appreciate you. I’m not just saying all this to make you feel quilty to comment or anything like that. I know the blog has pretty much sat stale and stagnant for months. I guess the blog is reflecting how I’ve been feeling lately. I can’t completely blame the weather either.
On that note, I shall now lay down on the couch and spill to you kind therapist reader my woes and moans.
I try daily, to immerse myself in things I like to do, that doesn’t all pertain to blogging and social networking, like working on my online studies, crafting one thing or the other, doing stuff with the kids. I just feel like I’m putting on a fasad, that if I do things to make me happy I’ll feel better. I think it’s just helping to regress the blah more than actually cure it…if that makes sense.
I’m going to admit right now, that I’ve been a bit on the depressed side since after baby #1 was born ten years ago and 4 months later we moved far away from friends and family. I would think that kind of thing would do that to a new mom. I never really ever got “better”. Sure I’d go through months of the depression pushed down far enough to not bother me too bad and only rear it’s ugly head now and again but I’ve never really been better. Then there’s the whole anxiety thing which is a post on it’s own. I know my therapy time is not cheap and you have other patients to endure their stories of woe.
The hubs and I both always kind of thought that I would probably be so much happier if we were back in OK where everybody is at. It was always the big elephant in the room for years and years regarding my depression. I’d always say no, no, that’s not it. I wasn’t about for us to just give up everything, and move back just on my account. I guess I knew I would probably feel really guilty if we did something crazy like that just for me. Fast forward to now and here we are exactly where and what I should want, minus any kind of guilt that I should feel I am the reason for us being here. If only it were that easy. I’m by no means “better” but I wouldn’t say it’s worse…well I have my really dark days for sure.
I’m sure it all again relates to the whole job thing (rolls eyes…so sick of this job thing) but then again we really are OK. We have been so stinkin blessed during this whole escapade that how could I not be happier or atleast more OK? Money really is not a major issue. It’s very very frustrating. I know at this point that it’s WAY more than just piling fluffy clouds of sunny happiness on top of me over and over. I mean just because chocolate cake is really good, doesn’t mean you eat the whole cake thinking it’s going to be even better, it just doesn’t happen that way.
My hope for now is one of us finding a job of some kind (any kind) that has benefits hint hint health benefits, that would really encourage me to take the next best step to getting better whether it be meds or whatever. I’ve been floating down denial for to long now and it’s time for me to get to shore.
I’m just gonna publish now…I’m to drained to edit. Sorry!